The Maoist Uprising, Part 2

(If you missed Part 1 of the Maoist Uprising, scroll down, you turkey)

The Maoists have been put down!
The Maoists have been put down!

Before I get into the exciting conclusion of how those filthy Maoists were bested, I will recap from where I left off:

Nunchuck to the head...darkness...

...I awoke with horrible pain in the back of my head. I looked down to see that I was tied to a chair. There was a thick, horrible-tasting sock jammed into my mouth. I started to grunt and do my best to spit out my gag. I shook back and forth, and-

-fell over onto my side. My head hit the floor, and increased my pain. The Maoists circled around me and started to laugh and point. I don't know what they were saying, all I heard was this tinny, fast-paced Maoist speak that came rushing out of their cute little anime mouths. I continued to struggle before my captors, when that little prick Plan B bent over to whispher in my face:

"Stupid drunk- you should be ashamed. The way you treated me and Alphonse, you horrible disgusting man."

I shook my head with enough force to dislodge the sock. "Who the fuck is Alphonse?"

"That is your other intern, who you casually refer to as Plan A."

"What's your name, you commie traitor? Buttfuck?"

"Bainbridge. What kind of animal are you?" Then that little shitsqueak slammed the butt of his Ak-47 into my chin.

I spat a mouthfull of blood in little Maoist Bainbridge's face. "I am so giving you an incomplete for your internship."

CRASH!!!

The front window shattered, with glass flying in all directions. All of our heads turned and we saw a kneeling figure wearing all black, cowboy boots, pony tail, and a steely gaze-

It was my good friend and social peer, Steven Seagal!

What ensued next defied any martial arts finesse seen since The Matrix. There were a flurry of front-of-the-head strikes, face thrusts, hand grabs, chest grabs, and chest thrusts, all executed perfectly to Steven Seagal's 7th-dan black belt level of aikido. The Maoists were thrown in all directions. The smart ones ran away (including Plan A and Plan B); the stupid ones were left to face Steven Seagal's heaven-and-earth throw into oblivion.

The spirit and the skill with which Steven Seagal used to vanquish the Maoists left me breathless. Not one was left standing. The dark and fierce figure that is Steven Seagal came over to me, lifted the chair upright, and began to untie me.

"Steven Seagal, thank god you arrived, my friend."

"I heard that you were Under Siege, Mr. Decent. What those Maoists didn't know is that I'm Hard To Kill."

With the assistance of the Doodletown PD, we learned that these Maoists were part of a splinter faction from the Maoists Handicraft Village, known as the Maoist Liberation Front. Their goal is to free true Maoists from the plight of China becoming capitalist.

"They thought they were Above The Law," said Steven Seagal. "But those Maoists just ended up On Deadly Ground."

To celebrate victory over the Maoist uprising, Steven Seagal and I went to celebrate at the Doodletown TGI Fridays, for killer apps and the Jack Daniel's Grill.

I settled into a bowl of the Jack Daniel's sauce mixed with the real deal, while Steven Seagal tended to his herbal tea. He was outraged that Friday's doesn't serve his energy drink, Lightning Bolt. I then went on to listen to Steven Seagal complain about how he was sick and tired of hearing about how all-powerful Chuck Norris has become, with his Chuck Norris fact website, his growing popularity with young people, and his folk-hero status.

"Did Chuck Norris star with DMX in Exit Wounds, taking in 80 mil worldwide? No. Did Chuck Norris receive a humanitarian award from PETA? No. Has Chuck Norris been recognized as a reincarnated Tulku by Lama Penor Rinpoche. No to all of them! Only Steven Seagal has done those things, and that's me, Steven Seagal."

"He is Missing in Action's Colonel James Braddock."

"Oh yeah? I am Casey Ryback, Navy SEAL turned cook, from such thrillers as Under Siege and Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. I could pistol whip Norris with my pony tail."

This went on for some time. Even though Steven Seagal is my friend, I still enjoy ribbing him when he goes off on his insecure Churck Norris rants. He mentions his music album Mojo Priest, and I say Walker, Texas Ranger. He says producer and martial arts coordinator for most of his films, I say republican on the campaign trail for Mike Huckabee. This went on until he asked me to read his treatment for an upcoming straight-to-video masterpiece, Hard To Kill 2: Even Harder. It appears R. Kelly had to drop out of filming due to legal issues, and he asked me to take the role of the sidekick.

We'll see, Steven Seagal- we'll see.

To learn more about Action Hero/Buddhist/Philanthropist/Entrepreneur, visit http://www.stevenseagal.com/