Disney on Ice: Princess Wishes

You may be wondering why your mighty and robust leader bothers to give the Ice Capades two craploads of his time, what with all the ranting his job entails. I'll tell you why: I like sunsets. I like bunnies, clouds, and rainbows. I dream of unicorns humping unicorns on a lazy summer day. Lollipops, birthday cakes, and ice cream cones, I eat that shit up. What can I say, I'm sensitive.

When Mr. Delicious said he had two front row tickets to the latest Disney on Ice production of "Princess Wishes" and asked yours truly to accompany him, I was elated. You know Mr. Delicious, as his wondrous store on Doodletown Mainstreet, "Mr. Delicious' Sweet Treats and Chocolaties" is a local landmark. And, as you all know, Mr. Delicious has a fierce reputation of being a rake and a prankster, which made the idea of attending a children's ice show with him that much more fun.

I did my best to hide my traveller-size bottle of Early Times bourbon in my pants while squeezing in line with the kiddies and Mr. Delicious in tow. Luckily, they weren't frisking the entrants or searching baggage (I mean, it was mainly soccer moms with strollers). We found our seats right up front, and I celebrated by taking two manly pulls of liquor. I offered the bottle to Mr. Delicious, who brushed it away with a wink and a smile.

"Why don't you try one of these? They're my newest taste sensation" he said, pulling from his man-purse a small tin. Inside, crisp and appetizing, was a small horde of what looked like Oreo's.

"I call them Oxyo's, as I mix the creamy deliciousness with a special ingredient. Take a taste and see if you can guess what it is."

There is no way one can resist a sweet treat from Mr. Delicious, and I was happy to indulge. One, two, three Oxyo's hit my tongue, only to be followed by a bath of Early Times. There was a sharp, sugary-milk taste, with a slight aspirin aftertaste. I popped a couple more in my mouth, to the growing excitement of Mr. Delicious- he seemed to smile even more when I shotgunned it with whiskey.

It was then the house lights dimmed, and the music prompted with the start of "Part of Your World". The spotlight hit Ariel in her opening number, along with rows of bright starfish and sea creatures. The music began to build, and where I normally would feel at ease with the peaceful scene of professional ice skaters making dreams come true, the rich pageantry of it all began to sit too heavy- the room began to spin, the music began to slurr, and the raw taste of vomit began to creep into my mouth.

"Did you guess the secret ingredient of my Oxyo's yet?" said Mr. Delicious, his words and laughter sounding as if weighed down by lead. "It's OxyContin, you hilarious drunk!"

I tried to stand up, but the weight of the drink caught me off guard. I ended up flipping over the railing and on to the ice. As I tried to muster my tonnage to my feet, I saw the image of a spinning, twirling Ariel heading straight toward me. Even trying to crawl across the ice didn't work, because as she was coming out of a double Lutz,

she landed right on top of Mr. Decent.

That's right, there I was with a red-haired, seashell-breasted mermaid splayed on top of me (who's tail had somehow turned into a shimmery pair of green lycra, probably when she decided to become human). All I heard her say was "get off of me" before she shoved her elbow in my gut. I responded by releasing the overdose of whiskey and drug cookies onto her bikini-topped body.

I don't remember much after that- the security guards, the stunned crowd, children crying, and Mr. Delicious laughing his ass off while holding a video camera. Apparently this was just a stunt to capture some footage for Mr. Delicious' private bloopers library (I found out he has pretty much every prominent member of Doodletown captured in one way or another- Mayor Unsure caught leaving the high school boy's locker room, Dr. Always selling bottles of clean urine, that sort of thing). I'm sure the video is running amuck on the internet web in some form or another.

I have to appear in court by the end of the month, but let me tell you something, Mr. Delicous- this is just the beginning. I'll be paying you back in one form or another. But if there is something I've learned from all of this, it's this:

I still like sunsets. I still like bunnies, clouds, and rainbows. And I still like the Ice Capades, even if I see it through the dark slanted eyes of an addict, and baptise one of the star's with my spew.

What can I say, I'm sensitive.