The Savior Formerly Known As Jesus

Yes, dear occupants and residents, there is a Christian porn site.

I came home from a late night at the Doodletown Daily Print News & Advertiser, looking forward to drowning myself in a pitcher of Smirnoff and tonic while kicking back to the just-released Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Nice Job! Season 1 DVD I had been so eagerly awaiting. But what awaited me was far more disturbing.

Just outside my tenement door I found a small paperback, titled "JESUS LOVES PORN STARS". I thought to myself, "Finally, a Christ that understands me!"

After pouring my Biggie-size vodka tonic, I opened this little tome and read:

"Does Jesus really love porn stars? Absolutely. Now that may go against what you thought about Jesus but it's true. You see Jesus loves porn stars, thieves, and prostitutes. In his eyes, we are all the same. We're all just people in need of a savior who can come into our world and fixed our messed up lives. The Bible says that we have all messed up. Whether you're making porn, working at a coffee shop, or running a church we are all sinners. And despite this fact, Jesus really, really loves us. He is not angry with us. He is not too busy for us. He isn't waiting for us to get our junk together. He just says come. Come now. Check out what I have for you. A life that is greater then you could ever imagine."

That was the first paragraph, verbatim- I guess porn christians don't have time for things like, oh, GRAMMAR- because THEN Jesus would want a life greater THAN you could ever imagine.

Sorry, I digress- just the editor in me. I mean, sure, when you're talking messiah, you need to use run-on sentences, misplaced commas, and sentence fragments.

I was most impressed by the action Jesus wants us to take: "He isn't waiting for us to get our JUNK together. He just says COME. COME now. Check out what I have for you". Sorry, Lord, but my junk stays in my pants until it's business time. And since we aren't endeavored in the sacred union of matrimony, nay, I won't come with you.

Dirty porno christians.

There is no extent to which these hollow christian toy soldiers will use and manipulate the solemn prophet. They want to take God's prince and make him Prince, or as he should now be referred to as The Savior Formerly Known As Jesus.

I tossed the book aside in disgust, pummeled myself with my drinky-poo, and laughed myself dumb with Tim & Eric.

To check out The Haps, confess your sins, or buy a t-shirt from the porno christians, go to www.xxxchurch.com